


You Did This To Me

by allisonfunn



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cutting, Heed the Warning, Here be angst, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, self abuse, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisonfunn/pseuds/allisonfunn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is upset because Thor fucked up....majorly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Did This To Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really bad at summaries. 
> 
> I also don't even know what this is. I was craving this kind of fic so I sort of just wrote it. 
> 
> I have a problem. 
> 
> And really. Heed the trigger warning.

As the blade cut into the pale skin of his upturned arm, Loki laughed. It was a harsh, humorless bark of a laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.  
  
"Ohhh," he breathed, lolling his head against the wall. His smile was stretched malicious and thin. "Oh that was just what I needed," he growled softly.  
  
The blood seeped from the wound, but it wasn't enough. He was still so angry.  
  
His head fell forward and he looked at the razor. He pressed it hard against his skin and pulled quickly across his wrist.  _There_  it was.  
  
Loki lost count of how many times he had pulled the blade across his arm when it stopped hurting. No, no, no. He needed it to hurt.  
  
He felt a scream building but didn't do anything to hinder it. It was harshly ripped from his throat. He threw the razor across the room and grabbed his hair, pulling.  
  
He screamed again.  
  
One of his neighbors hit the wall and shouted at him to keep it down.  
  
He glanced at the wall to his left. It brought his focus back to his bloodied, torn arm. He slowly came back to himself. His cold fingers released their death grip in his hair to allow him to look more closely at the damage.  
  
He pulled his hair one more time with his right hand before sliding it down his face.  
  
"Fuck," he muttered to himself. He pulled the black shirt he was wearing off to press it to his arm before stumbling into a standing position.  
  
"Just how I wanted my night to go. Exactly how I fucking planned it."  
  
He applied pressure harder, reveling in the sting it caused.  
  
There was a half drank bottle of cheap gas store vodka on the table that he grabbed on his way to the bathroom. He deftly unscrewed the cap and poured it down his throat. Ah. There was a burn.  
  
Under the yellow lights in the bathroom, Loki scrutinized the bottle and tried to remember why he had it in the first place—he didn't keep alcohol in his apartment.  
  
Oh.  
  
Right.  
  
It was Thor's.  
  
He exhaled harshly out his nose and poured it over his still bleeding arm. He shouted while his teeth clenched involuntarily and he bit his tongue.  
  
He tasted iron.  
  
He grabbed a towel to wrap around his arm before blindly stumbling out of the bathroom cradling his arm. He tried to sit on the couch but ended up flopping down gracelessly and, in his clumsy effort to right himself with only one free arm, knocking a pile of books that had recently started collecting on the end table off.  
  
There was a knock on his door and he growled something that sounded vaguely like: "Go away!"  
  
They knocked again. A female voice asked through the door, "Sir?"  
  
"I'm fine thank you for your concern," he gritted through his teeth.  
  
"Are you sure? I mean—"  
  
"Leave!" He lurched forward trying to stand and go to his bedroom, but his legs wouldn't support him and he fell against the side table. He was sitting there leaning against it when he heard the door hesitantly open.  
  
 _Oh. I must have forgotten to lock that after Thor left._  
  
He inhaled shakily and mustered the energy to stand and look at the—honestly quite gorgeous—woman who had taken a step into his apartment.  
  
"Thank you for your concern," he began, "but if you would kindly—what?"  
  
Her face was twisted in an odd expression that wasn't quite disgust. Concern?  
  
"Are you okay?" She asked softly, looking around like she was searching for something. "We live next door and heard—"  
  
"Yes. Thank you. I am very sorry for the disturbance and it was nice to meet you." He motioned at the door with the arm he wasn't holding against his chest, "but if you would please—"  
  
"Your arm." She interrupted. "What happened."  
  
"A small mishap in the kitchen, nothing serious."  
  
"Are you cut? Do you need stitches? My boyfriend knows how to—"  
  
He flinched and his heart rate quickened at the word 'cut.' He inhaled sharply. Too quickly. Suspiciously.

She noticed and was about to say something. Loki interjected. 

"You have over stayed your welcome. Please leave." His voice was strained.

She hesitated. "I don't even know your name. I'm Pepper Potts." She offered.

"Loki. Please leave."  
  
They stood staring at each other for a long time before one of Loki's eyebrows began inching towards his hairline.  
  
She turned to leave but hesitated, looking at something on the floor. Loki followed her gaze and saw the razor he had thrown earlier.  
  
Fuck.  
  
She inhaled and looked up at him, concern etched across her face.  
  
"Loki—"  
  
He took the three stride necessary to reach the doorway, gripped the doorknob, and simply said, "Go." Or maybe it had been "No." Loki wasn't sure, but it didn't matter. He closed the door before she could say anything else.  
  
 _How about we lock it this time you imbecile._  
  
He harshly locked the deadbolt before he glanced out the peephole and watched until she went back into her apartment. Only then did he allow himself to exhale.  
  
Which was probably a bad idea because now he was super lightheaded. He steadied himself against the door.  
  
Blood loss and alcohol. Not a good idea.  
  
 _Idiot. Stupid, stupid fucking idiot. Makes sense why Thor would—_  
  
No. No, no, no. Not him. Don't think about that.  
  
He heard his phone go off in his pocket and reached for it. It was a text. From Thor.  
  
Don't open it. Don't open it. Don't read it. Don't—  
  
 **\--NEW TXT MESSAGE--**  
 **\--Thor--**  
  
 **we shud talk about this.**  
  
Another beep.  
  
 **\--NEW TXT MESSAGE--**  
 **\--Thor--**  
  
 **i want 2 sort everything out.**  
  
Another.  
  
 **\--NEW TXT MESSAGE--**  
 **\--Thor--**  
  
 **plz.**  
  
 **\--MESSAGE SENT--**  
 **\--Me--**  
  
 **I thought I made it clear you weren't to text me.**  
  
It wasn't three seconds after he sent that that his phone started ringing.  
  
It was Thor.  
  
He pressed ignore.  
  
Thor called him two more time before finally understanding Loki wasn't going to answer.  
  
 **\--NEW TXT MESSAGE--**  
 **\--Thor--**  
  
 **i just want 2 xplain.**  
  
Loki threw his phone on the couch before heading to his bedroom.  
  
His head hurt.  
  
He noted—as he crawled onto his bed and under the covers, shivering—that he hadn't removed his jeans.  
  
Fuck that. Too much effort.

~~~~

Loki woke up an hour later to a pounding headache. Wait no. It wasn't just the headache that woke him up—there was a loud pounding on the front door. Groaning, he rolled over and quickly pulled on a sweatshirt. He'd lost the towel somewhere during the course of his nap. His arm was puffy and oozing white blood cells. It felt extraordinarily tender.  
  
He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands before looking through the peephole. It was Thor.  
  
"Go away."  
  
Thor looked up from his feet. "Loki, I—"  
  
"I said go away!"

"I should not have left earlier. Please let me in. I want to—"

"You're not my problem anymore, Thor," Loki hissed through the door. "You're  _her_  problem. Go back to your whore."

"You're being ridiculous. Let me in."

"Oh, I'm not being ridiculous. I walked in on you and that bitch. I have nothing left to say to you on the matter."

"Loki, for God's sake—!" Thor's stopped abruptly and turned to look at someone just out of sight of Loki's view through the peephole. Loki didn't hear what the person said, but Thor responded with a nod before glancing at Loki's door again. "I'm not done talking to you." 

He walked to the left, out of sight.

Loki clenched his teeth and hit the door with his fist. He couldn't hold back the sob that caught in his throat. He slid down the door and sat with his legs pulled to his chest.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" He growled, pressing his palms into his eyes. He drew back one of his hands and used the heel of it to hit under his eye socket. His mouth fell open as he exhaled in pain. 

Pain. Yes. This helped. This was okay. Fuck Thor and that stupid woman. Thor  _fucking_  that stupid woman. God  **dammit**.

As his palm connected with his cheekbone again he felt dampness. Crying. Fuck.

Loki slammed the heel of his hand into his cheekbone one last time. He felt something give and couldn't help the scream that escaped him. He gripped his hair and tugged softly, rocking back and forth so subtly he didn’t even notice.

His bony fingers touched where he had hit. It was swollen—he would have a bruise there. Good. It would be a reminder, just like the reminders on his arm. He tried to tug the sleeve up to look at it, but it wouldn’t move past a certain point on his arm. He harshly pulled his sweatshirt off instead. He didn’t do anything, just sort of stared at it and let the sight of it twist knots in his stomach.

The doorknob suddenly jiggled. Loki looked over at it.

“If you could refrain from doing that…”

"Loki, I have been talking with your neighbors." Thor’s voice sounded strained.

"How nice. Did Miss—ah what was it? Potts? Did you and Miss Potts have a nice conversation?”

“Let me in.”

“Did you  _fuck her_  too?” 

“Loki…” Thor sounded upset now. Good. “Please let me in.”

"I don't understand why you won't just  _leave me alone_!" Loki yelled. "This is all  _your_  fault, Thor!"

“I didn’t realize this would happen if I left.” Thor paused. “You made me leave. I couldn’t explain. Open the door and let me explain.”

Loki hit his head on the door and laughed flatly.

“You didn't expect the guy who’s attempted suicide—oh fuck, how many times was it Thor? Twice?” He warily stood up. “You didn’t expect the guy who has attempted suicide twice to get upset when he walked in on his boyfriend fucking a woman?" He paused and made a contemplative sound. "Maybe third time will be the charm.”

"For fuck's—I will call the police and have  _them_  open this door."

“If you do that I will never talk to you again.”

“I would rather that than you harm yourself.”

“Oh, I'm not going to  _harm_  myself, Thor,” Loki said, walking towards the medicine cabinet, speaking louder as he went. “I’m going to do much more than  _harm_  myself.” It opened with a squeak. He rummaged through it for acetaminophen and found over half a bottle full. He rattled it loudly. 

"Anything you'd like to say to that, Thor?" He waited for a reply but was greeted with silence. His eyebrows crinkled inwardly.

_Well_ , Loki thought.  _At least I know he really doesn't care about me anymore._

He opened the bottle and looked at the pills. Would this be enough? Would it actually work this time? He emptied the contents into the palm of his hand before pouring it back in. Maybe he would need another bottle....

He opened the fridge door and pulled out the carton of orange juice. He exhaled, suddenly extremely deflated. This was it then. Maybe he should write a note. 

_No. No note._

Loki tilted the bottle of pills upwards and took maybe 8 or 10 pills into his mouth. He followed it with a swig of orange juice. 

Another mouthful of pills, another drink of orange juice.

He put the bottle back to his mouth for a third time when he heard something hit his front door. 

_What the—._

Another hit.

Before Loki could make the connection of the sound to the circumstances, the door splintered and a man barreled into his apartment. 

Loki stared dumbly. 

"Who—."

"Mr. Laufeyson, I'm captain Steve Rogers. Your friends—."

Loki smiled thinly. "Oh I'm fine. They're just overreacting I appreciate your concern." His grip tightened on the bottle. He was behind his counter. The bottle was almost empty; this captain couldn't possibly get to him in time to stop him if Loki was really determined to finish these pills. 

Loki was really determined to finish the pills. 

Steve took a hesitant step towards him. 

"Son, I'm gonna need you to put those pills down."

Loki gave him a look, trying to assess the probability that consuming the rest of the pills would result in his death. 

He reached beside him and grabbed a heavy plate, throwing it at the captain. The distraction gave him just enough time to turn the pill bottle on end and swallow the last of it with the orange juice. 

What Loki hadn't expected was this police officer to make a flying leap over the counter. 

_Well_ , Loki's last conscious thought was,  _I didn't see that coming._

~~~

What brought Loki to was the sirens. Definitely the sirens. Maybe also the emergency response team yelling at him to "stay with us, Loki!" How'd they know his name?

He looked from the woman to the man. The man looked angry— _is he angry at me?_ —and tense. The man turned to look at the woman and whispered something in her ear. 

It was a small space so, over the sirens, he caught something that sounded like, "—idiots who—to kill themse—need to—locked up."

Loki lolled his head to look at the man. 

"I dun't like you," he slurred. 

The woman elbowed the man in the ribs and spoke loudly over the sirens. 

"You need to behave yourself Clint!"

"Well if the fucker—"

The woman jabbed him again. "Clint!"

"Natasha!"

"Behave!"

He grumbled something Loki didn't hear that time. Natasha turned to look at him.  

"I'm sorry. How're you feeling?"

"S'okay. An' I'm alive I guess..." Loki furrowed his brow. "Which is hones'ly quite disappoin'ing."

Natasha frowned and was about to say something when the ambulance came to a stop. She exhaled and opened the door. 

Two men came to carry him into the hospital. The bombardment of lights and people and noise overwhelmed Loki and didn't help his throbbing headache. 

He passed out. 

~~~

The beeping of a machine woke Loki up next. It took a moment for him to realize he was in the hospital. 

Oh. 

It hadn't worked. 

Again. 

Loki tried to fight the sob that was threatening to vocalize itself and made a sad, strangled sound.

_I'm a failure. I can't keep my boyfriend faithful. I can't even kill myself properly._

He whined and began thrashing his head side to side, frustrated. 

He heard the beeping quicken. 

He cried harder. 

A head peeked through the door. It was a nurse. She's walked in. 

"How are you doing, Mr. Laufeyson?"

Loki wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffed. "I don't want your sympathy."

The nurse shook her head. "I'm not here to give you sympathy." She took a tissue out of her pocket and passed it to Loki.

Loki chuckled. "I like you."

The woman smiled and was about to say something when a man walked into the room. 

"Ah. I see he is awake."

The woman stood. "Mr. Laufeyson, this is your doctor, Phil Coulson."

"I'll take it from here, thank you Maria."

Maria smiled and left. 

Loki closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He exhaled with a groan. "If I asked nicely enough, would you kill me?"

Phil didn't respond so Loki peeked his eyes open. Phil's eyebrow was arched in curiosity. 

"Do you  _really_  want to die, Loki?"

Loki nodded his aching head. "Please," he whispered.   

Phil shook his head and put a hand on Loki's shoulder. "I don't believe that." Loki flinched. 

"Just go away.”

“Can’t do that. I need to talk to you about a program that this hospital offers.”

“I’m not interested in any programs, thank you.”

“I don’t care if you’re interested or not.”

Loki sighed. “Alright,” he said. “What is it?”

Phil nodded. “It’s an initiative that we offer to high risk patients so—”

“So we don’t off ourselves,” Loki interrupted.

Phil sighed. "Mr. Laufeyson, please hear me out."

Loki huffed. "Alright."

"As I was saying, the hospital offers an initiative that partners high risk patients together for peer counseling."

"How successful is it?"

"We have a fairly high success rate."

"And if I said yes?"

"If you say yes, I'll contact Nick Fury—he's in charge of the initiative—and he'll group you with someone. There is a nice, albeit angry, young man who recently came in that would be a decent fit for you."

"Oh?"

Coulson nodded. "His name is Banner. He is volatile but you seem like the type of person who could handle that."

"I'll think on it," Loki said. 

Coulson hummed his approval and was about to speak when there was a knock on the door frame.

It was Thor. 

"Uh..." He looked lost. "I'm Loki's boyfriend and—"

"Was," Loki muttered. 

Thor swallowed. "And the nurse out there said I could see him."

Coulson nodded. "Yes, I was just about to leave." He turned to Loki. "Think about it."

"Oh I will." Loki replied. 

Coulson left and Thor sat next to the bed. 

"Thor." Loki said. Thor glanced up but wouldn't hold his gaze. 

"If you were tired of me, then why didn't you tell me?" Loki whispered. 

Thor rubbed his thumb over Loki's wrist.

"I'm not tired of you."

"Bullshit!" Loki hissed, narrowing his eyes. "Fucking bullshit!" 

Thor looked up. His eyes were watery with tears. 

"I thought you were dead, Loki."

"It would be preferable to this."

Thor shook his head. "Please don't say that."

"I'll say whatever the hell I want. You have no room to talk at all."

Thor rubbed his hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to explain yourself to me." 

"Then what do you want?"

"You to leave."

Thor tightly closed his eyes and exhaled. "Please."

"Should have thought about that before having sex with that  _woman_." 

"Loki..."

"Go."

Thor hesitated. Loki glared. 

"Thor, for God's sake. If you don't leave me be—"

Thor stood. "Fine. But I'll be back tomorrow."

"Don't waste your time. Or your precious whore's"

Thor huffed. "She isn't a whore."

"You can't have both of us, Thor. Make your choice. If you leave then that's it."

"And if I stay?"

"Then we'll see." 

Thor stood for a moment longer before finally sitting down. He gripped Loki's hand. 

"Well then. Let's see."


End file.
